Building The Body Study 18 - Parents and Children

Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV 

[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— [3] “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” [4] Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/eph.6.1-4.NIV)

A number of weeks ago, a member of our church was driving in a regular fashion down a road when he was suddenly surrounded by masked youths on e-bikes. They were driving erratically, aggressively and recklessly. Without warning, they slammed their feet down and sped off. 

He related to me that it was the most scared he had been in decades of safe driving that he was about to accidentally kill someone. 

I have seen a similar gang of youths in our town. Again, it was a wonder someone was not killed. 

Because that’s what happened close to the city of Middlesbrough in England. A teenager drove a car with three passengers at speed down the wrong side of the road. He crashed into the oncoming police car that had been dispatched to stop him. He, the occupants of his car and the police car were all killed. 

Yet such is the incredible twist in values that the people of his town celebrated his life and vilified the police for doing their job. 

The common denominator in all of these isn’t just young people in control of a powerful vehicle they lack the maturity to control. Neither is it the social media sites that hosted their boastful videos of their reckless, feckless downright idiotic behaviour. 

The common denominator is always, always how they were raised. 

The family is the basic building block of society and the church. As I said in a previous post, we reaped the wind of undermining family values over the past decades; now we are reaping the undisciplined, almost feral, whirlwind. 

I saw this beginning of when I was growing up. I saw children left to their own devices for hours on end in their neighbourhoods because their parents saw them as an inconvenience. I saw children being seen by their parents as a means to obtain benefits from the state. I saw children being user as messenger and mules for drug gangs. I saw parents delegating parenting to TV and videos, or computer games, and laterally to social media. 

If you raise your kid on uncensored social media, knowing what’s out there, and they end up misogynists, or people who derive all of their value and respect for themselves from their appearance, or who believe that they can ‘be someone’ by pulling dangerous pranks and stunts, who should take responsibility for that?  

I’ve heard of children who have arrived in primary school unable to read, unable to write, unable to do basic mathematics, unable to go to the toilet unaided.

Who should take responsibility for that? Is it the carer who took care of your young child, along with several others, while the parents worked? Is it kindergarten they sometimes attended for a few hours a week? Or the mothers and toddlers group theircarer took them to, which their parents only attended for their Christmas Nativity? Or the school teachers who were landed with the problem when their kid started school? 

Now, I’m not saying that parents are entirely to blame. What I am saying is that some of the root causes for the explosion in idiotic anti-social behaviour can be found in the family. 

Parents have a newborn child. They have a few years when that child is young to imprint on them the difference between right and wrong, and good character, and sound judgement and the fear of the Lord. Once that window is missed, for whatever reason, it becomes so much more difficult to undo the damage that has been done. 

Maybe this explains Solomon’s ancient proverb: 

Proverbs 22:6 NIV 

[6] Start children off on the way they should go, and even when they are old they will not turn from it. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/pro.22.6.NIV)

You have to apply to get a licence to own a cat or a dog in my country. You have to prove you will take good care of them.

But there is no such license for those who raise a child. 

In pre-natal classes, you are taught how to clean a child and change their diaper and feed them and put them to sleep. 

But nothing prepares you for those transition years as toddlers or teens, when they have all of the arrogance of youth but absolutely none of the wisdom that comes with experience. 

And we see the results of this all around us. 

Paul knew that families are the basic building block of church and society. He also knew that family is also where even the most spiritual among us are tested to the max (1 Timothy 3:1-7). 

His teaching here, though just a few verses, is so important for us to understand. 

Let’s start, then, at The Children’s Role. 

The Children’s Role 

Ephesians 6:1-3 NIV 

[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— [3] “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/eph.6.1-3.NIV)

Way back in 1988, the Beitish rock band Mike and the Mechanics released a very poignant and powerful song entitled ‘The Living Years’ . Almost prophetically, it opened with these lyrics: 

‘Every generation blames the one before 

And all of their frustration comes knocking at your door’ 

My father loved that song. Which was a little ironic, as he and his own father had a long disagreement than lasted for many years. 

Thirteen years after this song was released, my father died. 

Now, there were good, sound reasons for my father’s fallout his father. I completely understand why it happened. 

But this passage would have solved it all. 

The writers of that song hit the nail on the head. They give us a perspective that most young people lack. The reality is that every generation has blamed the one before for all of the world’s ills for as long as anyone can remember. It even proper the American singer Billy Joel to pen an uncharacteristically unromantic song for his kids: 

‘We didn’t start the fire 

It’s been always burning since the world’s been turning 

We didn’t start the fire 

No, we didn’t light it but we’re trying to fight it’ 

And there is a lot of wisdom in that song. 

Much of the anger at previous generations is directed at anger due to envy at their greater financial security or at elements of modern life such as the environment, wars, technology, social media and the like where most people of those generations had no idea of the impact of the decisions they were taking.

People are angry at my generation and those before it due to the terrible impact we have had on this world due to wars, pollution and the rapid pace of technology, and how human rights were denied to sectors of the population. 

People will be furious with the present generation of twenty and thirty years old due to the damage caused by social media and AI, increasingly polarised politics and the shameful ideological experiments on children. 

But the Bible steps into these endless and pointless generational battles with a command for every generation: 

Exodus 20:12 NIV 

[12] “Honor your father and your mother, so that you may live long in the land the Lord your God is giving you. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/exo.20.12.NIV)

You are no different from your parents and your parents are no different from you. 

We are all sinners trying to make our way in a fallen world. Of course mistakes were made. Mistakes will always be made, because we are all sinners. To judge one another because of those mistakes would be very highly hypocritical. 

So let’s not glare at each other across the artificial generational barricades that well-meaning theoreticians put in place without thinking of the consequences.   

The Bible has a very straightforward solution: respect and obey your parents. 

Respect them because they birthed you, raised you, supported you, sacrificed for you. And even if they did nothing deserving of your respect, even if they were the biggest failures this world has ever known who messed you up in ways you could never know, respect them. 

Why? 

Because that is what you are commanded to do. 

Obey them. Obviously not if they ask you believe or do something God has said you should not. There is a reason why you are commanded to love God. 

Obviously not if they ask you to do something that would put you at risk. There is a reason why you are commanded to love yourself. 

But in all other matters, obey them. 

Why? 

Because God commanded you to do so. 

Remember how this works. They are accountable before God for how they use their parental authority. Never forget that. 

But you are responsible for how you react to it. 

This command was given for a reason. We will examine it later. But for now, we have seen the children’s role. Now let’s move on to The Parents’ Role. 

The Parents’ Role 

Ephesians 6:4 NIV 

[4] Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/eph.6.4.NIV)

Colossians 3:21 NIV 

[21] Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/col.3.21.NIV)

The first time we saw the signs in Canada I was a little taken aback. They warned us we were in bear country: that they were not in our neighbourhood, but we were absolutely in theirs. We had to be cautious. Keep our eyes on the path in front of us and our ears pealed.  

Bears don’t usually attack humans. But if they decided to attack we would not be able to outrun them. 

So what would you think of someone who found a huge black bear and began to poke it with a sharp stick? They would be foolish, right? 

Could you respect them?  

I doubt I could. 

These verses speak not about parents who discipline their children – proportionate discipline is needed to ensure children understand right from wrong – but those who sekl to provoke, embitter and exasperate their children, simply because they can. 

They are abusing their God-given authority as parents. 

And why would they do such a thing? 

This is where things really get tough. 

They are petty, small-minded people who have to engage in power plays with their children to feel good about themselves. 

We should feel sorry for any child whose parent is as fragile and delicate as that. 

Because it really is pathetic. 

But, at the same time, there is a strong lesson here for us all. 

My daughter, when she was younger, absolutely hated getting help with her homework from her parents, even when she was frustrated and struggling to find the right answers. 

Our children have been given a homework assignment by God. That homework assignment is to respect and obey their parents.  

We should not make this assignment harder for them than it already is. We ought to conduct ourselves in ways that are worthy and deserving of our respect and show them they obeying us is a good thing. We ought to encourage them to do what’s right. 

Bringing them up in the fear of the Lord means encouraging them to obey Him.  

Which means we have the sober responsibility to remove from our lives any slither of hypocrisy – children, particularly teenagers, are experts at detecting it – and be consistent, fair, righteous and upright in our relationships with them. 

In short, if we want our children to follow Jesus then we need to be Jesus to them. 

And that is a very high calling indeed. 

So we have seen the children’s role and the parents’ role. However, Paul doesn’t just explain what these roles are, he also explained why we should seek to fulfil them. Let’s now look at The Blessings They Bring. 

The Blessings They Bring 

Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV 

[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— [3] “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” [4] Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/eph.6.1-4.NIV)

It’s perhaps an unfortunate truth, but one of the ways you can get anyone to so anything is to make sure that they understand what’s in it for them. Not everyone is altruistic, and even altruism can be carried out with selfish intent (for example, to reduce tax obligations or to help us feel good about ourselves). 

Paul was clear about both of these commands. There is little room for misunderstanding. 

But he also told us why we should do them. 

Paul quoted from the Ten Commandments: 

Deuteronomy 5:16 NIV 

[16] “Honor your father and your mother, as the Lord your God has commanded you, so that you may live long and that it may go well with you in the land the Lord your God is giving you. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/deu.5.16.NIV)

God promised obedient children who honoured their parents both longevity and prosperity. 

But how does this work? 

Think for a second about the stress and aggravation caused by trouble in the family. We consider our family to be our safe place. We ought to trust and rely on our family more than any other person in the world. When they no longer have our back, but are much busier stabbing us in it, then we are considerably weaker and much more anxious people. 

Anxiety shortens our life.  

And so those with strong family ties, and who work to strengthen these family ties, are inevitably healthier. 

They are also more able to generate wealth for themselves because their time is not taken up with useless arguments and battles. 

It’s therefore in every child's best interests to maintain good relationships with the parents by giving them their place through respect and obedience. 

That is how, to quote Star Trek, they will ‘Live long and prosper’. 

But what about parents? How is it is their best interests to not embitter or antagonise their children? 

Very simple. 

What does any Christian parent want for their children? Long life and prosperity, yes. Most of all, they want them to grow up the right way, following the Lord. 

Now, how are they to do that? 

Through Bible teaching, of course. However, as we saw earlier in James: 

James 3:1 NIV 

[1] Not many of you should become teachers, my fellow believers, because you know that we who teach will be judged more strictly.  

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/jas.3.1.NIV)

If we want to teach the Word of God, we must first believe in the Word of God and live out the Word of God.  

Our life cannot shout down the words our mouth speaks out. 

Teenagers in particularly are like sniffer dogs for hypocrisy. They will detect it. They will despise it. If we are not practicing what we preach, it will undermine everything we are trying to do. 

As I have said time and time again, the core of all Christian moral teaching is love for God, our neighbours and ourselves. That includes our children.  

If we fail to show them that love, if we do not invest our own time and energy into raising them, if we are hypocrites who tease and provoke and antagonise them – or worse – for own pleasure and self-aggrandisement, do we honestly think that they will be encouraged to follow in our faith? 

Of course not! 

Every parent ought to read these verses and tremble: 

Matthew 18:6-7 NIV 

[6]  “If anyone causes one of these little ones—those who believe in me—to stumble, it would be better for them to have a large millstone hung around their neck and to be drowned in the depths of the sea. [7] Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to stumble! Such things must come, but woe to the person through whom they come!  

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/mat.18.6-7.NIV)

So yes, it is absolutely in our best interests to follow this command. 

Because the prospects if we don’t are very serious. 

Conclusion  

Ephesians 6:1-4 NIV 

[1] Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. [2] “Honor your father and mother”—which is the first commandment with a promise— [3] “so that it may go well with you and that you may enjoy long life on the earth.” [4] Fathers, do not exasperate your children; instead, bring them up in the training and instruction of the Lord. 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/eph.6.1-4.NIV)

For ten years, the American sitcom ‘Married... With Children’ was a huge hit. On the surface, the Bundy family was a regular, quintessential American family. But they were also highly dysfunctional and ended up in comic situations riven with deep sarcasm and wit. 

Why does such a sitcom have such a long airtime on TV? 

Because people relate to the characters and the situations. In their incessant dysfunction they see echoes of their own lives. 

And that is the problem: art imitated life. 

What a sad life! 

Families are the building blocks of society and of the church. A church without families, especially young families, is a church that won’t outlast its current generation. 

Families are important. They are more important than any career. They are more important than any bank balance.  They are the single most important responsibility we have. Our debt to our children to raise them in the fear and instruction of the Lord is the single greatest debt we have. 

We must understand this. We must apply these truths and reconfigure our lives so that everyone can see that our family is second only to God in our priorities. 

We should all know by now the cost of causing unnecessary tension in a family that causes it to break apart. It causes harm that can take years to heal, if ever. 

We’ve seen the roles that both parents and children have to play, and how each can encourage the other to better perform those roles. 

The church should be a place where selfish parenting and demanding, disrespectful children both have no place. We ought to be an example to the world of what happens when love changes family life. 

Just in case we haven’t quite understood how seriously God takes this, we should look at the very last words He spoke to the Jews before four hundred years of silence: 

Malachi 4:5-6 NIV 

[5] “See, I will send the prophet Elijah to you before that great and dreadful day of the Lord comes. [6] He will turn the hearts of the parents to their children, and the hearts of the children to their parents; or else I will come and strike the land with total destruction.” 

(Read the full passage at: https://bible.com/bible/111/mal.4.5-6.NIV)

The song by Mike and the Mechanics at the start of this study features these poignant words in its chorus: 

‘Say it loud, say it clear 

You can listen as well as you hear 

It’s too late when we die 

To admit we don’t see eye to eye’ 

The author of that song didn’t have the opportunity to resolve his issues with his father before his father died. 

May God grant that we bridge the generational divide with forgiveness and love and show the watching world how it can be done. 

Because then they will see the difference that the Gospel can truly make to our lives. 

Prayer  

Lord Jesus, I understand how important to You family relationships are. I confess that I have made a mess of these. I need Your help to rebuild what I have helped destroy. Give me the wisdom abs humility to fix what sin has broken, I pray. Amen. 

Questions for Contemplation 

• Why is family life so important to God? 

• What is your role in your family? How can you play it better? 

• How can you fix what sin has broken in your family?