But Ruth replied, ‘Don’t urge me to leave you or to turn back from you. Where you go I will go, and where you stay I will stay. Your people will be my people and your God my God. Where you die I will die, and there I will be buried. May the Lord deal with me, be it ever so severely, if even death separates you and me.’
Ruth 1:16-17 NIVUK
I met my wife on 6th May 2001. Later that week, I wanted to get out to visit a church in the Philippines (I was housed in the MV Doulos at the time). I knew what church she went to, so I did something no foreigner should ever do in the Philippines, particularly at a pier: I got a taxi on my own, not knowing the fare, to her church.
Of course, I was driven by wanting to see her again as much as anything, but I was also curious to see her church.
When I arrived back in the UK, I wanted to learn as much about her culture as I could. So I got a hold of tourist guidebooks and information on Filipino culture. I knew I would be returning to the Philippines to be with her and meet her family, and I wanted to impress them.
I learned about a simple gesture of respect – to gently take the hand of an older person and press the back of their hand to my forehead. I did this gesture, rather clumsily, with her mother. It seemed to help.
There is an often ignored part of getting to know a prospective life partner. You see, it’s not enough to know them as an individual. You must also understand what made them who they are: what formed their opinion and behaviours and attitudes. And to understand this, you must understand their culture and community and family and friendship groups.
This means getting to know their family, visiting their home country and town, meeting their friends, taking the time to absorb the intricacies of their cultural background and not viewing them only through the lens of your own.
This critical process actually changes you.
Visiting the neighbourhood where my wife was living at the time had a profound effect on me. It wasn’t exactly one of the better off neighbourhoods. Their house was relatively well constructed, but others were not. Not very far away was an area we would call a slum.
But what struck me was that people there were happy. In fact, they were happier than anyone I had ever seen growing up. Their more positive approach to life in a deeply precarious position had a profound effect on me.
You see, when two people decide to come together, they are never on their own. They form a bridge between each other’s culture and background and families. They bring with them all their experiences and upbringing – everything that makes them a person.
It is hugely disrespectful and unloving to insist that they put that all away and become like you.
But it honours them and lifts them up if you decide to get to know and understand it.
The book of Ruth starts with someone making this very choice. Ruth loves her mother-in-law Naomi so much that she is prepared to follow her back to Israel, to a totally different culture and religion, even if that means a life of poverty.
That takes dedication.
If we are serious – really serious – about our intended life partner, then we will honour them by doing the same.
Questions
1. What is your attitude towards the differences in culture and upbringing between you and your intended partner? Did you notice them?
2. Are you willing to lean from, and maybe even adopt, some aspects of their way of life?
3. How can you honour and value the whole person that your intended partner has become?
Comentarios