Marriage should be honoured by all, and the marriage bed kept pure, for God will judge the adulterer and all the sexually immoral.
Hebrews 13:4 NIVUK
The 1980s were a wild time in the town where I lived. Gang symbols were regularly graftittied onto walls. Territory was defined by neighbourhoods. At one stage it got so severe that only three young people were said to be able to cross freely between the gangland areas – me and my trusty Jack Russell dog, and two girls who were known both for being intellectually bright and morally loose.
I remember giving some young folks from a nearby town a little fright. They were on a mission trip from their church to ours. We were walking between neighbourhoods when one of them asked me, ‘So these neighbourhoods are territories of rival gangs. What happens if we try and cross between then at night?’
‘Well, I can’t guarantee your safety.’ I told them.
You should have seen the looks on their faces.
There are boundaries just about everywhere in life. Some people delight on building walls and fences; others at tearing them down.
Boundaries are critically important in romantic relationships.
After all, the goal of any form of dating is that eventually two people become one:
That is why a man leaves his father and mother and is united to his wife, and they become one flesh.
Genesis 2:24 NIVUK
Although this has a sexual element, I don’t believe for a second that it is limited to only that.
There are two times in a relationship where boundaries exist: before marriage and after.
Before marriage, they absolutely have a sexual element. Sexual intercourse is an intrinsic part of marriage. It is the ultimate expression of intimacy and trust and vulnerability. That is why it should be kept within the confines of a loving marital relationship where both parties have committed to love, honour, cherish and serve each other.
The reason why Paul sees the need to reiterate this to the Corinthian church is because Greco-Roman sexuality was not like this at all. It was instead more akin to the wild pagan sexualities that led to prohibitions on sexual behaviour within Jewish law.
Paul sees that sexuality is a a fundamental area of life where Christians should be visibly and practically different from the pagan people around them. This is precisely why the letter from the Jewish Christian leadership to their new Gentile converts contained only two prohibitions: sexual immorality and the blood of strangled animals (to avoid offending Jews – Acts 15:29).
So in the way we approach sexual intercourse, we should be fundamentally different to everyone around us. We should not see other human beings as simply a notch on our bedstead. We should instead seek to honour God and them, not to mention ourselves, by keeping all forms of sexual intercourse inside marriage.
Now, there is often a debate over what constitutes sexual intercourse and how far we can go before marriage. I don’t want to get caught up in that.
What I want to say is that the whole debate is actually irrelevant. We should not even have the conversation. Instead, we should ask ourselves how we can live differently in a way that honours God, marriage and each other.
I have seen a second boundary in married lives – one that I have observed for years, and one that I believe has to come down.
Let me explain.
When my wife and I arrived in the UK, we already started planning to meet the conditions for her Indefinite Leave to Remain in the UK – and it was good that we did, because UK immigration required proof that we had lived together continuously over the three years.
They wanted official documents with both our names clearly stated as residing at the same address. And they couldn’t all come from the same company.
That meant contacting our power supplier, internet and telephony supplier, banks, insurance companies, landlord (and later mortgage lender), etc. to ensure that every document they sent us was in joint names.
Straightforward, you would think.
Well, not, as it turns out, as most companies are used to issuing bills and documents in one name.
We managed it and got the visa. But it got me thinking...
To what extent do we really believe that ‘two become one’?
Does that include finances – both rewards and responsibilities?
On more than one occasion, I’ve heard spouses complain that they don’t have enough money because their spouse doesn’t give them any.
Have the two become one there?
Does it include pastimes and interests? Are there things you both enjoy?
Does it include complete and total honesty and openness with each other? The Bible says this about Adam and Eve before the Fall:
Adam and his wife were both naked, and they felt no shame.
Genesis 2:25 NIVUK
I don’t think this is just about physical nakedness. It also means the ability to share intimate truths with each other without the shame of feeling exposed.
Would you be willing to share things like these with your future partner? Would you be willing to trust them this much?
If yes, then you are in a place to consider the serious commitment of marriage.
If not, then you should be asking if the relationship has any future at all.
The book of Ruth is quite an intriguing one. At its heart, it’s about an incredibly loyal Moabite woman who is rightfully rewarded for her faithfulness and devotion by finding a rich husband to take care of her and her mother-in-law.
But it’s also about an ancient custom, where a relative had the responsibility to redeem – or take on the property and liability – of another relative’s wife if the other relative died.
That is essentially what happens in Ruth.
However, there is this very interesting exchange at the gate of Bethlehem:
Meanwhile Boaz went up to the town gate and sat down there just as the guardian-redeemer he had mentioned came along. Boaz said, ‘Come over here, my friend, and sit down.’ So he went over and sat down. Boaz took ten of the elders of the town and said, ‘Sit here,’ and they did so. Then he said to the guardian-redeemer, ‘Naomi, who has come back from Moab, is selling the piece of land that belonged to our relative Elimelek. I thought I should bring the matter to your attention and suggest that you buy it in the presence of these seated here and in the presence of the elders of my people. If you will redeem it, do so. But if you will not, tell me, so I will know. For no-one has the right to do it except you, and I am next in line.’ ‘I will redeem it,’ he said. Then Boaz said, ‘On the day you buy the land from Naomi, you also acquire Ruth the Moabite, the dead man’s widow, in order to maintain the name of the dead with his property.’ At this, the guardian-redeemer said, ‘Then I cannot redeem it because I might endanger my own estate. You redeem it yourself. I cannot do it.’
Ruth 4:1-6 NIVUK
The guardian-redeemer Boaz talked to chose not to take on his family responsibilities because they would place his estate at risk. This was likely because if he died, his estate would have to be split among the children of all his wives, so his current children would get less.
We might have a low opinion of him because he failed to carry out his traditional duty towards Ruth – this is very clear from the original Hebrew as the writer of this book omits his name. However, he does one thing that at least has some good in it: he weighs up whether he can marry Ruth, with all that entails, and decides against it.
Marriage should never, ever be taken lightly because it is sacred. It's better if we come to the conclusion that we cannot marry someone early before we lead them on and pretend otherwise.
The ultimate goal of dating is marriage. It is not dating itself. The model of dating that sees it as just two people having a good time together is incredibly misleading and short-sighted.
It is two people alone who are sussing each other out to see if they could spend the rest of their lives together and not be alone. It is two people who are finding out together if they could ‘become one’ in every possible way.
Dating can be a wonderful thing. But it must be treated with respect, because its end goal is a lifetime commitment together.
Questions
1. Which boundaries should be kept in a dating relationship?
2. Which boundaries should vanish in a marriage relationship?
3. What is the goal of dating? Could you see yourself reaching this goal with the person you are dating?
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