Charm is deceptive, and beauty is fleeting; but a woman who fears the Lord is to be praised.
Proverbs 31:30 NIVUK
During the height of the Covid pandemic, I was the main person in our house who did the supermarket shopping. There was something quite primal about it. I felt like a masked hunter-gatherer with a shopping trolley and a scanning app.
There were a few things that I observed during this scary time.
Firstly, I stuck to the saying that it’s a bad idea to shop while hungry. Why? Because your hunger drives you to buy food that you don’t really need. Your hunger impairs your ability to think and reason properly.
Secondly, I saw that it’s much better to shop with a shopping list – especially if you have to go between several supermarkets to get what you need. In fact, more so now, when food is so expensive.
Thinking clearly (with your brain, and not any other part of your anatomy) and knowing what you want are also vital when it comes to looking for a life partner.
What do I mean by that?
I mean, it’s better to go looking for a partner by knowing what you're looking for first, rather than picking up any old pretty boy/girl you come across.
Now, this is where the romantics among us object. And I know full well what the objection is: ‘Love is a biochemical attraction. You can’t boil that down to a list!’
That isn’t actually true. The biochemical reaction they refer to is lust, not love. Let me tell you, a relationship built on a biochemical reaction of lust will not last. Why? Because it's built on a person’s physical features, and these features will fade away and degrade in time.
And yes, I'm aware that some new-fangled psychologists have defined non-physical sources of attraction and have decided to come up with some interminable list of ‘sexualities’.
However, census data always shows that the vast majority of people are heterosexual and are attracted based on physical characteristics.
In collating this list of characteristics of someone we would find attractive and desirable for a life partner, we need to do a number of things:
Firstly, be reasonable. The chances of you meeting a supermodel/Kpop star/movie actor/beauty queen/billionaire are quite possibly nil. If you don’t want to be lonely for the rest of your life, put characteristics on your list that a normal mortal might possibly have.
Secondly, don’t restrict yourself to physical characteristics. Think about character elements too, like: sense of humour, gentle, hard-working, compassionate, etc.
Thirdly, having taken the time to get to know yourself, be prepared to be with someone who completes you by being strong where you are weak, and good where you are bad. To quote a character from the TV comedy ‘Big Bang Theory’, ‘I think that together you two make an awesome person’. Make it your goal for that to be true of you and your partner.
Lastly, and most importantly, they should be a Christian. Paul explains why:
Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness? What harmony is there between Christ and Belial? Or what does a believer have in common with an unbeliever? What agreement is there between the temple of God and idols? For we are the temple of the living God. As God has said: ‘I will live with them and walk among them, and I will be their God, and they will be my people.’ Therefore, ‘Come out from them and be separate, says the Lord. Touch no unclean thing, and I will receive you.’ And, ‘I will be a Father to you, and you will be my sons and daughters, says the Lord Almighty.’
2 Corinthians 6:14-18 NIVUK
Let me give you an example why. We met my wife’s former boss in an airport. We were going to France. They were going to Spain.
Were we travelling companions?
Well, no, because we were flying to different destinations on different planes.
This is what causes tension in Christian-non-Christian marriages: the two spouses are pulling in different directions and headed to two different destinations.
If you want to travel through life with someone, better make sure you’re going the same way.
I didn’t like it when I heard someone mention the idea of having a clear idea of who you’d like to be with the first time I heard it. I thought it was very mechanical. ‘I have a hard enough time meeting anyone, let alone someone who meets with my requirements. This is impossible!’ I told myself.
Ironically, I heard this while at the conference where I met my wife.
For a future partner, I was looking for:
· A Christian
· Someone smaller than me, whose hands were smaller than mine
· Someone who could speak English
· Someone who could make up for my lack of financial acumen, dress sense and disorganisation
· Someone who was willing to travel and was adventurous
· Someone who believed in and supported missions
Unbeknown to me, I’d already met her. And in the most unlikely of places.
Think for a second about a person going to a bus station. Normally the one thing they know is where they want to go and which bus they want to catch. If they don’t, they are likely to end up somewhere they really don’t want to be.
The book of Proverbs has lots of verses about the type of people we should avoid. But there, right in its last chapter, is a description of the type of woman a wise man should marry.
There is nothing wrong with prayerfully compiling a list of what we would look for in a life partner, and then bringing it to the Lord in prayer.
Provided we don’t mind receiving an answer.
But we also need to know what we want – from them.
It really isn’t fun when you date someone expecting something serious and lasting, and they are only with you for a good time. It hurts pretty badly.
In fact, I actually don’t think it’s even right to do that. As Christians, we are called to love God and love our neighbour as ourselves. Granted, that is not romantic love. But how can we love someone with agape love on one hand, and use them to make us feel good, with or without their prior consent, on the other?
I believe that using people to make yourself feel good, whether for a couple of dates or a one night stand, devalues them as a human being. It reduces them to nothing more than a means to an end. And it also diminishes you, because it shows that you are prepared to treat someone that way.
So yes, absolutely, be sure that you know who you want to date. But also, out of agape love and respect for them as a human being, know what you want out of the relationship – right from the very beginning.
Questions
1. Does having a list of the characteristics we are looking for in a life partner kill the romance? Why/why not?
2. Why is it not wise to look for someone without knowing the type of person you want?
3. What would you look for in a life partner?
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