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Rebuild Your Life - Be Honest With Others

  • Writer: Paul Downie
    Paul Downie
  • 4 days ago
  • 16 min read

Nehemiah 2:1-3 NIV 

[1] In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, [2] so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.” I was very much afraid, [3] but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?” 


Back when I was training to be a missionary, I remember being given the following piece of cross-cultural advice: ‘Never ask a Dutch person how they are... because they’ll tell you!’ 


For many people outside Europe, that might seem like a bizarre thing to say. But you see, even in this tiny continent of ours, made up of a patchwork of smaller nations, there are quite substantial cultural differences. If you ask a British person how they are, they are always ‘Fine’. They could be experiencing Job-level suffering and in unimaginable physical and mental torture, yet they would still shake your hand and say they were ‘Fine’.  


Because ‘Fine’ means either that they are really fine, or that they don’t want you to know that they are not fine.  


Whereas our Dutch cousins, who live barely ninety minutes flight from our shores and speak a related language, when asked how they are, will start conversation and provide details. 


There are times when we keep ourselves to ourselves and tell no-one how we truly are. The reason why is that we don’t trust what the other person will do with the information, so we would prefer to keep it private. We perceive a risk. We mitigate that risk by saying nothing. 


Yet that mitigation actually causes another, equally dangerous risk: that of loneliness and isolation. 


There is an old saying that ‘A problem shared is a problem halved’. When we bottle things up and lock other people out, we have to carry all of our problems on our own shoulders, and there is little doubt that often they are just too much for us to bear. 


That could be why more reserved nations have serious problems with depression, despair and suicide. 


What we see here is a man in a situation where many of us find ourselves. He is really up against it. His nation – a controversial one at that – is suffering. They are to all intents and purposes defenceless. Their position is weak. 


He himself is in a weak position. He is a servant. His life is not his own. He might be in the palace, but he is not on the throne.


Moreover, as we will see, he seems to have no qualifications or experience for the job ahead.


He is also serving a king of a race known for their immorality and vicious temper, especially towards those, like Nehemiah, who came from a ‘lesser’ race. 


He was facing a very significant challenge. 


Yet to get what he wanted, Nehemiah would have to become vulnerable in front of a dangerous and powerful man. 


Why? 


Let’s start by examining His Role

 

His Role 

Nehemiah 1:11 NIV 

[11] Lord, let your ear be attentive to the prayer of this your servant and to the prayer of your servants who delight in revering your name. Give your servant success today by granting him favor in the presence of this man.” I was cupbearer to the king. 


Nehemiah 2:1 NIV 

[1] In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. 


Almost ten years ago, we needed some work to be done on our bathroom. Bringing in a company, or even a fully qualified tradesman, was beyond our budget. So my mother made a suggestion. She was working at the time for a charity that gave people who had fallen on hard times a chance to gain work and experience. One of the men receiving help through her charity was a tiler. She recommended giving him the job. 


As we didn’t really have many other options, we agreed. 


He turned up for the job, but was missing a rather important tool to complete it: 


One arm. 


However, he insisted he would be able to do it, so we let him start work. Each night we gave him dinner. 


We can’t work out whether it was the arm or whether our food was too good, but we only had a tiny bathroom and it took him a month to finish the job. 


He perhaps wasn’t the best qualified for the work. 


We could say the same about Nehemiah.  


He was, after all, a wine waiter.  


I’ve no doubt he was very good at his job. He would have to be. He was trusted by the king to bring him his beverages. Wine was very important in those days. Water quality was poor. Even mild alcohol in mildly fermented grapes would kill infection in the water. To have the privilege to deliver a substance to a king that was necessary for his sustenance was no small thing. 


But consider this: Amsterdam and New Orleans are both below sea level. They are protected by a system of walls called dykes or levees. If you were walking close to these walls and you noticed that one of them was leaking, would you run into a nearby restaurant and ask a waiter to fix it? 


Of course you wouldn’t! Especially not in New Orleans – he’d want a thirty percent tip! 


No, you would call a builder or an engineer. Or, at worst, you would call the local council to get one – or a team of them. 


A waiter could not do the job. 


Yet here Nehemiah stands as a wine waiter, heading into the king’s presence to ask him for help to rebuild the Jerusalem city walls. He would have been a powerful wine waiter. Part of his job would have been to check the king’s food and drink for poisons. He was a kind of comestible bodyguard. He was also likely a confidant to the king, and would have been an advisor. 


But still, he was a wine waiter. 


From the outside, it seems to be absurd. 


And that’s just it. When we need to make ourselves vulnerable to get help, we might feel weak and exposed, as if our situation is a little absurd, as if there is no sense at all in what we are doing. We might be reasoning it out in our head, arguing if we are doing the right thing, debating if our seemingly foolhardy plan will even work. 


Let me share some verses to encourage you if you find yourself in this uncomfortable position: 

1 Corinthians 1:26-31 NIV 

[26] Brothers and sisters, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. [27] But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. [28] God chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, [29] so that no one may boast before him. [30] It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. [31] Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord.” 


Yes, Nehemiah’s situation, from the outside anyway, seemed to be absurd and weak. But Nehemiah had something many of the fully qualified town planners and architects and builders of his day would not have: 


Access to the king. 


More than that, the king would need to have great confidence in Nehemiah for him to carry out his job. Think about it: Nehemiah delivered substances to the king that could intoxicate, incapacitate or even kill him. 


We too have access, and to an infinitely greater King: 

Hebrews 4:14-16 NIV 

[14] Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has ascended into heaven, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess. [15] For we do not have a high priest who is unable to empathize with our weaknesses, but we have one who has been tempted in every way, just as we are—yet he did not sin. [16] Let us then approach God’s throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need. 


Like Nehemiah, it is this access that makes all the difference and causes everything to make sense. 


You see, there is no doubt that when we have to go to someone for help – especially someone who is more powerful or more senior than us – we feel inadequate and perhaps even intimidated. We may fear their reaction and what they might do with the information we are about to give them. The comparative weakness of our situation might be thoroughly unnerving. 


But we have a God who takes the weak and makes them strong in His strength. It is not them who will make the difference, it is the access we have to the King of Kings. 


So yes, I agree, this is a very difficult situation. However, with God we can gain the strength we need to deal with it. 


We move on, then from Nehemiah’s role to His Risk. And let me reiterate again: this risk was not insignificant. 

 

His Risk 

Nehemiah 2:1-2 NIV 

[1] In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, [2] so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.” I was very much afraid. 


I have been in my current team at work for six years at the time of writing. I am in a team of three people. In those six years we have been exposed to plot twists worthy of a soap opera. We have known a global pandemic, multiple surgical operations, an engagement, a redundancy in our team and multiple around our team, the death of a colleague, several retirements and major incidents so large that they threatened the very possibilities of my company to carry out its work. 


We have run through the entire gamut of human emotions. 


Nehemiah would not have been a ‘newbie’ in the palace. Although ancient kings were known for their capricious abuses of power, a king would have to be criminally insane to allow an unknown foreigner from a subjugated people to provide him his daily sustenance.


Nehemiah would have been a very highly trusted man. The king’s reaction will later show just how much he trusted him. 


But I want you to notice a few very striking words in these verses: 

Nehemiah 2:1 NIV 

[1] I had not been sad in his presence before 


Nehemiah, as a trusted servant, would have been in the king’s presence often. The specific dates mentioned in Nehemiah 1:1 and 2:1 indicate that four months had passed since Nehemiah had heard about the dreadful situation in Jerusalem and his discussing it with the king. 


Four months! 


Four months of mourning. 


Four months of fasting. 


Four months of praying. 


And yet in all that time Nehemiah did not appear sad before the king! 


Why? 


In ancient thought, no-one could be sad in the presence of a king. It was believed that a king’s presence was so glorious and so wonderful that it ought to chase away all the dark clouds of gloom, no matter the cause.  


So for Nehemiah to be sad in the king’s presence could be seen to be an affront to the king’s glory. It could be perceived as pointing out that there was a sadness greater than the king, that the king’s power was waning. 


And the king could have someone killed for that. 


So the risk of simply showing a negative emotion in the king’s presence was very real. 


There are always risks in showing how we truly feel, or what is really going on with us.


It’s important we perceive these risks and calculate them. We aren’t supposed to bear our souls to everyone. There are some things it’s better that some people don’t know – not that we lie or conceal, we just determine what it’s appropriate to share. 


I found myself in that precise situation when my time as a missionary had come to an end. A lot had gone right when I was a missionary, but a lot had also gone wrong. Allied to a close family bereavement, I realised very quickly that I needed help. 


However, I also realised that my church was not the correct place to get it. I calculated that what I would have to say could easily be misconstrued and misunderstood, which could lead to unnecessary reputational damage for some of the people involved.  


I spoke to my mission organisation and told them. They had a duty of care towards me. And so arrangements were made for me to obtain Christian counselling outside of my church. 


I am a firm believer that we should be careful what we share. Often our perspective is warped or distorted in some way. Not everyone has the level of maturity to help us straighten it out. Not everyone is able to handle the truths we will have to share. 


Before we open up to anyone about serious issue – particularly those regarding habitual sins and addictions, I suggest asking ourselves three questions: 

  1. What is our purpose? What do we want to gain from the conversation? Our purpose should either be to help us out of our situation or to give us the support we need to manage it. We need to ask ourselves if our purpose will be achieved by talking to this person. If it will, good. If not, find someone else. 

  2. What are the benefits of talking to this person? What will we gain? What support or insights will they provide?  

  3. What are the risks of talking to this person? Will they understand what we are talking about? Will they over-react? Are they likely to turn our weaknesses into gossip or slander? Weigh this up carefully. 


Nehemiah was afraid of talking to the king. He had good reason. 


We also have good reason to fear opening up to the wrong person. But opening up to the right person might give us the help and encouragement we need. 


So we saw Nehemiah’s role – in that it both disqualified and qualified him as the right person to bring thus position to the king, highlighting both his weakness and his strength. We also saw the enormous risks he took by simply bringing the emotions he felt into the king’s presence.  


After four long months of fasting and fervent prayer, potentially also with others (see Nehemiah 1:11), leads to His Revelation

 

His Revelation 

Nehemiah 2:1-3 NIV 

[1] In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, [2] so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.” I was very much afraid, [3] but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?” 


As I write these lines, one of the most beautiful, most Instagrammable, most desirable islands on the planet is at considerable risk. The Greek island of Santorini owes its prosperity and its very existence to a huge volcanic eruption in 1600. It is built on a fault line. Ever since that eruption, the fault line has been relatively quiet. But in 2025, several large tremors have already taken place, leading seismologists to share their fears that a new eruption could be imminent and could completely destroy the island. 


Nehemiah has enjoyed a form of idyll. Yes, he is captive. Yes, he us in the service of a highly capricious king. Yes, he had to run the gauntlet of being a member of an ethnic and religious minority in a foreign, and altogether hostile, land (he is, of course, just one generation away from the attempted genocide recorded in the book of Esther). 


However, he would have been a rich and somewhat influential man. He would have lived in relative comfort. 


But all of that was disrupted when news of the state of Jerusalem reaches his ears. 


That news devastates him. 


Which is what leads to the revelation of the reason of his emotional state to the king. 


This has been building for four months. For all that time, Nehemiah has seemingly been able to keep his emotions in check.  


But not now. 


As I look at the words he spoke to the king, this does not resemble a carefully prepared speech. 


No, this is something akin to an emotional outburst, like a volcano of the soul. It’s almost like the pressure inside of him has been building over time and it is finally too much for him to contain. He can no longer stop it, so out it comes. 


These emotional outbursts are actually quite common in Scripture, but are largely contained in poetic literature like the Psalms or Lamentations.  


However, this is necessary. 


For Nehemiah to get the help his people need, the king has to be made aware of the issue.


The only way he will become aware of it is if someone tells him. 


A generation previously, Queen Esther, like Nehemiah, found herself in a very difficult situation, where she had to be very self-controlled about who she was on potential pain of death. Before she revealed her identity to King Xerxes, her uncle gave her a bit of a rebuke that has resonated down through the ages: 

Esther 4:12-14 NIV 

[12] When Esther’s words were reported to Mordecai, [13] he sent back this answer: “Do not think that because you are in the king’s house you alone of all the Jews will escape. [14] For if you remain silent at this time, relief and deliverance for the Jews will arise from another place, but you and your father’s family will perish. And who knows but that you have come to your royal position for such a time as this?” 


Mordecai’s point was that God could have manoeuvred Esther’s life to put her in a position where she could be used to deliver His people from their enemies. 


Nehemiah, in a quite prominent place in the Persian palace, could also have been where he was for a similar purpose. 


But for that purpose to be fulfilled , he had to share with the king what it was that was causing him to be sad. Only then could something be done about it. 


As I said earlier, I don’t believe that God has called us to share our struggles with all in sundry. That is as equally an unhealthy approach as bottling everything up. 


But there are people we should share our struggles with, like Nehemiah did, because they can help us with them. 


The trick is knowing who these people are.  


That is where we should, like Nehemiah, pray, seek the Lord and ask for wisdom. 

 

Conclusion 

Nehemiah 2:1-3 NIV 

[1] In the month of Nisan in the twentieth year of King Artaxerxes, when wine was brought for him, I took the wine and gave it to the king. I had not been sad in his presence before, [2] so the king asked me, “Why does your face look so sad when you are not ill? This can be nothing but sadness of heart.” I was very much afraid, [3] but I said to the king, “May the king live forever! Why should my face not look sad when the city where my ancestors are buried lies in ruins, and its gates have been destroyed by fire?” 


A number of years ago, I was having a challenging time at work. My boss could see I was struggling. He couldn’t work out why, so he recommended that I contacted the telephone counselling team contracted by my workplace to see if they could help. 


I was reticent at first. After all, I was going through a bad patch, but I wasn’t ‘crazy’. 


However, it was free and my boss wouldn’t know what was discussed on the call, so I decided to give it a go. 


Right away, for some Christians, that is a red light. After all, why would any Christian turn to non-Christians for advice? Or so they say. 


I made the call. My telephone counsellor was Muslim. 


Again, right there, many Christians would hang up the phone. 


I didn’t. 


The call was actually very helpful. I only needed one session. He gently pointed out that, as an Evangelical Christian from a Christian family, I had a stronger support network than most people. I not only had a strong family, but in the church I attended, I also had a safety net of people from multiple generations that I could turn to. Our culture is largely segregated into generational age groups that don’t meet and treat each other with suspicion. A church fellowship is not like that - or it shouldn’t be. 


That call changed my perspective entirely. It made me realise that, as a Christian, God has given me the means to be stronger and face up to the areas where I was struggling. If it felt like I was walking on a high wire, God had already provided the safety net. 


That one conversation helped dissipate a lot of the stress and pressure I was feeling. 


Because that is how life can seem to us: as if we are trying our hardest to keep our balance on a precarious high wire. We feel the intense pressure and weight of past failures on our back, and constantly voices in our head telling us to give up because we will probably fail again. 


But here, in these verses, Nehemiah teaches us the secrets of breaking through that terrifying period and how we too can walk the high wire of our lives with confidence that we will make it. 


Nehemiah was aware of his role: of how it spoke to the inadequacy of his situation and made him entirely dependent on a pagan king. He knew full well the risks he was taking by admitting to the strength of his feelings in the presence of someone where he was required to be happy. And while his revelation to the king seems to have been an almost volcano-like outburst, he was at least being honest about how he felt. 


Primarily, of course, the One in whose presence we should be utterly open and honest about who we are, making no vain attempt to hide anything, is God. As David wrote: 

Psalms 32:1-5 NIV 

[1] Blessed is the one whose transgressions are forgiven, whose sins are covered. [2] Blessed is the one whose sin the Lord does not count against them and in whose spirit is no deceit. [3] When I kept silent, my bones wasted away through my groaning all day long. [4] For day and night your hand was heavy on me; my strength was sapped as in the heat of summer. [5] Then I acknowledged my sin to you and did not cover up my iniquity. I said, “I will confess my transgressions to the Lord.” And you forgave the guilt of my sin. 


However, there are often situations where we need to be open and honest with other people in order to get the help we need. It’s never easy exposing yourself in this way. Similar to Nehemiah, it means being willing to take on a quite substantial risk. 


But if it means we can be restored and our broken lives mended, then it is a risk worth taking. 


Prayer 

Lord Jesus, I thank You for Nehemiah’s example. Thank You for his courage and faith, that he was able to confess to the king exactly what he and his people needed. I am broken, Lord. My life is a ruin. Help me to find help and give me the strength and courage I need to obtain it. Amen. 


Questions 

  1. What was it about Nehemiah’s role that would make him seem like the wrong person to rebuild the Jerusalem city walls? But what made him the right person? How can we apply this to us? 

  2. What risks did he had to take on? What risks do we have to take on when we open up about our suffering to other people? 

  3. Why do you think it took Nehemiah four months to speak to the king about his situation? How long will it take you to bring your situation to the King of Kings? 

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